struggling

Well, I missed a day (two including today) of tracking my food and thoughts... traveling threw me off and, well, I gave into my struggle.

Compulsive Over Eating. It's like being addicted to any drug, seriously, but I can't give up food. Trigger foods are what an individual with COE identifies as foods that when consumed, lead to binging. Trigger foods cause overwhelming levels of certain neurotransmitters in the brain, creating  obsessive-like ruminating thoughts. I've always loved food, but COE is more than a love, it's an obsession. For me, it's white foods. Flour (breads and pasta), sugar (this is the most common), potatoes, and dairy. Unless I'm feeling really strong and secure in my control of my thoughts and actions, having a little of any of these foods makes me crave A LOT and I often can't help myself. I over do it. It may sound really weird, and I don't expect anyone to really understand. But it really is an addiction. Just as an alcoholic can't have a little bit of wine without sending themselves into a downward spiral, I am with sugar...and bread. But unlike an alcoholic or a drug addict, I can't quit food cold turkey. I have to learn to cut out my trigger foods again until I am strong enough to lightly incorporate them into my diet (to allow me to feel some normalcy when eating with other people).

So, on vacation I didn't meal prep ahead of time. BIG MISTAKE. I let myself drink and not keep track of what I was consuming.

But I'm home now. VERY unmotivated today because I've been fighting off a UTI since last night. So that's not helping me get to the gym... but I will make it there before the night is through. I have to do something active. I will AT LEAST go for a long walk (though my heel has been hurting since Wednesday...so I'm a bit nervous about too much activity and think elliptical for my cardio today is probably my best bet).

I did some shopping today and I'm stocked with clean foods. I've made a promise with a friend of mine... we're starting tomorrow: one week without our addictions. For me: no sweets, for him: no dip. I can do this. I have it within me to be strong.

Evening update: I went to the gym, but my UTI spoke up and I was forced to go to Urgent Care. The doctor at least made me laugh and she said with my test levels that I must have Wonder Woman's pain tolerance. HAHA... so anyway, my workout was only 30 minutes, but I got antibiotics and that should clear up quickly so that I can focus and kick my ass this week.

50

failing... today was terrible
my eating disorder took over and I've been binging all day. My emotional stress got the best of me and I allowed myself to just eat until that hurt more than other stuff. I'm at a low. I hate it. I am not being nice to myself because I can't love myself when all I see myself doing is ugly.
I started to fall in love with a man who is the opposite of whom I ever saw myself falling for... and just like every guy I've ever met, out came the "I'm not ready" talk. FUCK!!!! Seriously, it's not fair to tell somebody you love them but you're scared and pull a 180. We all have hardships in our lives... but it's also an important piece of living successfully that we each find the balance we need. When you meet somebody you can see yourself growing old with, who makes you smile every time you catch their eye contact...how can you turn away from them? How can you bring yourself to say that you're willing to let them go, watch them date other people...can he really expect me to think that someday down the line, when he's "ready" that I'll be willing to put myself at risk of this same thing again?! What if we do start something down the line... will there be another time after that where he puts on the breaks and pushes me away?!
I hurt.
My stomach hurts.
I have been eating poorly and not working out... I binged terribly today. I need somebody...I need help from a friend. I need an encouraging hand and I don't know where to reach to find such a thing.
Half way through my challenge and I've dug myself into a hole.
Ouch.

70 ?

Well, Blogger decided to crap out on me for 2 days and I couldn't post anything...

Friday, day 70 I ate too much.. again. a few bad days there

Went snowboarding at the bird for 4 hours, had a pbr on the tram deck... and then had a fish burrito. Didn't eat the whole thing. Dumped it out and ate the protein out of it.

Apple w/PB
a few tortillas

Rockstar recovery... no full record, ugg.

Then I had 2 beers in the evening.

71

Today is errands and me-time... I need to try hard to avoid just sitting around an noshing because that will get me in trouble.

TODAY.
2 high fiber granola bars (8am)
2 tsp PB
1 apple
-
1 tortilla (10:45)
3 slices deli turkey
salsa
spinach
-
2 tortillas w/spray butter and cinnamon&splenda (11:30)
-

I made meatloaf for dinner and ate like 4 helpings. I need to learn to cook for 2... not 8.

my struggle

People ask me why I record everything I eat... why am I doing this.
Well, as you know (if you've been following along) I used to be fat (I'm trying to find more pictures so that I can share). And well, for a long time I had a serious problem. An addiction of sorts. I am, and will always be (as any former addict is), a recovering Compulsive Over Eater.
Back before I lost the 60lbs I joined OA = Over-eaters Anonymous. It works just like any other 12 step program.
Wondering what that's like? Well, ask me sometime...rambling about my obsession with food and eating until it hurts isn't what I want to post here.

So, pairing the strength I gained from learning to conquer my addiction with the Beck approach of combining cognitive therapy with changing the way I eat, worked for me...I reframed my way of thinking and practiced great habbits, which allowed me to find success.
THEN I GOT LAZY (and life was pretty out of whack as I left WI etc but I'll jut own up to my laziness).

Now that I have put my foot down and am piecing the life I WANT together, I have the tools and know what I need to do. I'm doing this on display to the general public because I'm too scared of humiliation to back out when I know people are watching me. So... here I am =)

Here are 2 cool resources:
Overeaters Anonymous

Beck Solution