The Struggle

The struggle is real.
We often see memes about this on social media, but when I say it, I am not talking about the struggle to find motivation to workout nor to say no to tempting foods (we all know struggle would be an understatement for me there)... what I mean is the struggle of being me.

My whole life I have battled poor self esteem and lack of confidence. I was born with the genetics that, paired with my athletic involvement, developed into a very muscular physique. As an adolescent and young adult I struggled to feel good about my muscles. I feared lifting weights. I was, like so many others, under the impression that lifting weights would make me bigger than I already was -- and THAT would be horrible. I interpreted messages from the world negatively. I was so self-consious about my legs that other than during sports you wouldn't have ever caught me in shorts (or a skirt). I did everything in my power to hide my body.

When I graduated from undergrad, I had experienced 2 major injuries within the last year... the recovery process from those lead to a disconnect with the athlete that is part of my identity. My weight yoyo'd (as I've talked about in other posts) and I battled severe depression as I couldn't find where I fit. I moved around the country, worked all sorts of jobs, went to grad school, changed my mind... I was the epitome of indecision. I looked in the mirror and didn't know who that girl was-- all I knew was that I didn't really like her.

Since this particular post isn't a chronicle of my journey, we'll fast forward to the past year of my life.

I met my mentor in April 2013 and started lifting weights regularly. I found inspiration through Instagram and body composition competitors who advocated the messages of weights not making you bulky. I started to love what was happening. My body transformed... so did my entire life.

I'm still not where I want to be-- physically & emotionally. I am definitely making progress in liking the woman I see in the mirror. Having the right support is key. Here is a link to an amazing person's blog:
CONFIDENCE: Dana Lynn Bailey BLOG

Just as DLB says, finding clothes that fit is hard... and the negativity from strangers can really be loud and seem overwhelming. I aspire to accomplish even a fragment of what she has done. As a competitor, I would love to just qualify for Nationals... and as a person, I hope to find the kind of love she has with her husband and the CONFIDENCE she has. She has thickened her skin and the negativity seems to bounce right off. She is beautiful.

my struggle

People ask me why I record everything I eat... why am I doing this.
Well, as you know (if you've been following along) I used to be fat (I'm trying to find more pictures so that I can share). And well, for a long time I had a serious problem. An addiction of sorts. I am, and will always be (as any former addict is), a recovering Compulsive Over Eater.
Back before I lost the 60lbs I joined OA = Over-eaters Anonymous. It works just like any other 12 step program.
Wondering what that's like? Well, ask me sometime...rambling about my obsession with food and eating until it hurts isn't what I want to post here.

So, pairing the strength I gained from learning to conquer my addiction with the Beck approach of combining cognitive therapy with changing the way I eat, worked for me...I reframed my way of thinking and practiced great habbits, which allowed me to find success.
THEN I GOT LAZY (and life was pretty out of whack as I left WI etc but I'll jut own up to my laziness).

Now that I have put my foot down and am piecing the life I WANT together, I have the tools and know what I need to do. I'm doing this on display to the general public because I'm too scared of humiliation to back out when I know people are watching me. So... here I am =)

Here are 2 cool resources:
Overeaters Anonymous

Beck Solution