sucker punch

I might hit the corner and start being a beggar... or maybe I should turn tricks? Maybe I'll just finance boobs so I can start being a stripper or porn... since I can't get a job as a trainer. Well, wait, I got offered one. I turned it down because I was under the impression I could do so much better and that I was a shoe-in for my dream gym.
I can't seem to get a job as anything. The last 10 years of my life have been nothing but a bounce house. I've jumped from one job to another... laid off, cut to part time due to budget/grants, moving, contract work, losing interest, and even fired. The good ol' self-esteem issue is back in FULL FORCE right now and I'm feeling pretty worthless. I want this dream SO badly. But today a new blow... it was getting sucker punched and then looking up to see the man who had been in my corner was now in the ring watering down my opposition.

Don't ever depend on anyone else. You need to be self-reliant. You cannot NEED anyone.
...but don't ever let your loved ones feel like they're dispensable...
Balance is hard.

crunch time

I've been in limbo for almost 2 months now... wondering, waiting, trying... and nothing has happened yet. I have to get a job. This week is crunch time. I'm following up with every fitness application I've sent out and making something happen! I need this life. I need life.

costumes - new body

So... with my new "jacked" figure my original idea for Halloween this year was perfect. It was going to be hillarious (as long as I didn't run into a young crowd who didn't get it). But then my man invited me to a themed party. My costume ideas were tossed and I didn't order the things I'd need for that original idea since it didn't fit the theme. I got a few other things put together, but nothing I was very excited about-- the theme wasn't my favorite and really didn't inspire me to make anything that would be worthy of wearing anywhere other than a house party.
Alas... they decided to cancel that party and now I'm back to going to the biggest, longest running party in Chicago (same party I went to last year) and I'm not sure what I'm going to wear.
I don't like the whole slutty cop, sexy nurse bullshit.
Halloween is the ONE DAY (or weekend) where you get a free pass to dress up and act as WHATEVER YOU WANT! Anything you've ever dreamed of or fantasized about. Sadly, most women chose to look like sluts... because without a doubt, most American women wish it was socially acceptable to be promiscuous and to show off more skin without "looking like a stripper." While that could be a whole different blog post (maybe at some point), my point is that those costumes don't appeal to me.
I'm cutting it down to the wire and I need to come up with something fun, sexy (not slutty), and still creepy/scary (I mean, the whole point of all-hallow's-eve is to scare off the spirits as they arise before all saints). So, I have to find a few things and get creative.
It won't be my dream costume... but it needs to be good enough for the ATOMIC PARTY!!!

priorities

So, today I went to a seminar where one of the speakers talked about figuring out what your current priorities are. My first thought was:
1. Get a job (or several)
2. Balance finances
3. Stay on track with diet/fitness training goals
4. Strengthen local relationships
Then the speaker talked about how making sure YOURSELF is in the top 4... and how for him, they're more general: immediate family, self, extended family, business...
So... mine are all about me... and then me & other people is my #4.

I'm figuring what I want when it comes to #4... but more importantly, how do I get #1 (and in turn #2) to happen. I'm chasing my dreams. Figuring out how to balance life while those dreams take time is the hard part.
I'm looking for seasonal retail hours and whatever I can find while I am in limbo with my job as a trainer... and all the places I have dreams of THAT leading to once I build my business.

I want success. Success means making a difference is the lives of others. I need to matter in this world. I need to know if I were gone, I would be missed and not easily replaced (if at all). How do I become needed and stop needing others? Or is that a part of the balance?

Here's to hoping to can be employed in one way or another before the end of the month... *cheers*

Coming clean

So with all the temptations I have been fighting, I have definitely allowed myself more indulgences/cheats than I've earned. So...I haven't been eating super clean and I've put a few pounds on...nothing getting back to strictly clean for a week or two can't fix, but I went grocery shopping tonight and I'm stocked for the week (well, I need a few items from trader joes tomorrow). I'm going to workout 2-3 times a day for now... and eat strictly at net intake at my BMR.
I really wanna look good for Halloween! I really need to look good so I can get a job...several jobs.
Clean focus starts in the morning. No late eats tonight. Gonna medicate around 9 so I can fall asleep early and get after it tomorrow--workouts, job searching and follow ups with gyms I already contacted.
I am in control. I want to matter. I talked with my best friend today and he really made me feel like I matter...but he understands that as a professional I need to make a difference. I need to find MY success.
This is my time. 2014 will be the best me EVER!

Thoughts

Lately I've been fighting cravings harder than I can remember ever doing before. In the past, when they got this bad I gave in. I've been ruminating about binging: tearing through a whole box of Halloween Oreos, a pizza, a bucket of nice cream, a vat of chicken wings... my thoughts are consumed by consumption. But I'm not letting myself give in. I have come way too far and my dreams are so close...fuck off, brain. The addiction will not control me. I am in control!
One day at a time.

Adrenal Fatigue

So... I have a feeling that my body is going through Adrenal Fatigue. I recently read about this and in doing so a light went off in my head like, whoa, um, hello, this fits. Basically, being stressed for an extended period of time makes your hormones out of whack and so certain activity that would normally release certain hormones and burn calories don't..plus, you just feel exhausted all of the time. Caffeine and other uppers don't seem to work.


Being unemployed is totally getting to me. I really need a gym to hire me so I can feel like I've made the right choices and that I matter. I want to make a difference. I just want to feel like I'm doing the right thing. Doubt is overwhelming right now.

My life really is amazing right now... as soon as I am gainfully employeed, all of the missing/loose pieces will right themselves and I know I will feel better. Honestly, I've never been happier!! A big piece of the pie is missing, but it's the best tasting dessert I've ever had. Make sense?

...here's to hope...

1200 calories

Today, a friend shared this blog link with me... and I wanted to share it with the world because the woman who wrote it makes a LOT of sense.
http://sophieologie.wordpress.com/2013/09/26/1200-calories/
GREAT post.


Almost a year ago now, I moved to Chicago and thought I should shape up...that was really the start of this weightloss journey. I joined a gym right away! After being in the city for about a month, through friends, I met a trainer who told me to use the MyFitnessPal ap to track my calories and that it would help me lose weight. When I used that ap, I did the max of everything as I was determined to be strict and lose weight as quickly as I could (in a healthy way, I thought). When I started, I was 196 lbs (I'm 5'9.5") and the ap told me to eat 1200 calories, net, a day... so, it would allow me to add in my exercise (at least cardio) and I could intake those calories as well. The HIIT workouts I learned from that trainer were great and I had fun, and at least felt like I was doing something right... but I wasn't losing any weight. I was also ALWAYS hungry. I had more trouble sleeping than normal and it just wasn't working. At New Years, when everyone else in the world was promising themselves weight loss, I was just depressed.
So...some time passed... I went out to Utah for my best friend's wedding at the end of March. When I returned to the MidWest I saw a few of the photos from the party and didn't know the face I was looking at. The face of the girl I thought I'd put to rest back in 2008 (when I went from 215 to 160...just dieting). So I decided it was time to finally eliminate that stranger and get back the ATHLETE piece of my identity.

...most of you know how then I got injured but I did whatever cardio I could do (I'll write another entry about this error later), but my REAL breakthroughs and BEST progress with losing fat came when I met LGR and he told me I wasn't eating enough. I got to eat more and I was lifting weights without being afraid of muscle.

This year, I lost 30+ pounds of fat... I really don't know exactly how much fat I lost, but what I can tell you is that I've lost over 15% body fat.