The Struggle

The struggle is real.
We often see memes about this on social media, but when I say it, I am not talking about the struggle to find motivation to workout nor to say no to tempting foods (we all know struggle would be an understatement for me there)... what I mean is the struggle of being me.

My whole life I have battled poor self esteem and lack of confidence. I was born with the genetics that, paired with my athletic involvement, developed into a very muscular physique. As an adolescent and young adult I struggled to feel good about my muscles. I feared lifting weights. I was, like so many others, under the impression that lifting weights would make me bigger than I already was -- and THAT would be horrible. I interpreted messages from the world negatively. I was so self-consious about my legs that other than during sports you wouldn't have ever caught me in shorts (or a skirt). I did everything in my power to hide my body.

When I graduated from undergrad, I had experienced 2 major injuries within the last year... the recovery process from those lead to a disconnect with the athlete that is part of my identity. My weight yoyo'd (as I've talked about in other posts) and I battled severe depression as I couldn't find where I fit. I moved around the country, worked all sorts of jobs, went to grad school, changed my mind... I was the epitome of indecision. I looked in the mirror and didn't know who that girl was-- all I knew was that I didn't really like her.

Since this particular post isn't a chronicle of my journey, we'll fast forward to the past year of my life.

I met my mentor in April 2013 and started lifting weights regularly. I found inspiration through Instagram and body composition competitors who advocated the messages of weights not making you bulky. I started to love what was happening. My body transformed... so did my entire life.

I'm still not where I want to be-- physically & emotionally. I am definitely making progress in liking the woman I see in the mirror. Having the right support is key. Here is a link to an amazing person's blog:
CONFIDENCE: Dana Lynn Bailey BLOG

Just as DLB says, finding clothes that fit is hard... and the negativity from strangers can really be loud and seem overwhelming. I aspire to accomplish even a fragment of what she has done. As a competitor, I would love to just qualify for Nationals... and as a person, I hope to find the kind of love she has with her husband and the CONFIDENCE she has. She has thickened her skin and the negativity seems to bounce right off. She is beautiful.

What IS normal?

Since my show I have gone overboard. I have legitimately eaten 3x what I should be each day... I've had nonstop indulgences and it shows. My abs are literally insulated and no longer visible... I've read many different posts about post-competition binging, but none from recovering compulsive over eaters.
Going into the show I knew I would be at risk-- but I told myself I would just be normal, eat healthy but allow myself meals out with friends etc... but I caved and old habits took over.

I'm working hard to try to find balance... feeling normal... not calling myself fat... eating well... staying healthy... all that jazz.

More soon.

First Show

Well, I did it! I learned a lot and look forward to trying again with all the things I learned from this first go-round.

I'm incredibly proud of myself. I've worked SO hard on my body for the last year and I brought an impressive physique to the competition ... now I just need to work on how I present it on stage (tan color, suit sparkle and posing).

I'll post more later, but wanted to post a few pics.
More on bodymorphpros.com forum.

Exceptional

I'm finding myself still caught off guard when people compliment my physique. One of my clients called me super human yesterday and I really thought she was just trying to be funny. I'm not sure if I will ever see myself as being in exceptional shape. I know I have come really far, but I have a long way to go before I can walk away from the veil of self-criticism that covered me for over 30 years.
Don't get me wrong, I know I'm in great shape. I don't see myself as fat or have any body dimorphic-esque thoughts, but the fact is that I'm NOT normal. I don't want to be. I am me. I am different. I stand out. I am a freak. I am an exceptional human being.

the suit - changes - weight is just a number

This morning, I've been putting together bags of old clothes to take and donate to a local shelter. Before I toss "the suit" into the bag, I figured I'd take one last picture to see where my life has taken me.
In 2007, I reached 215lbs. The photo on the left is from my 25th birthday HAHA please ignore the face. I was pretty inebriated and the bow on my chest... well, I was cracking up because as a thank you for my surprise party, I was presenting my (then large) boobs to my boyfriend as a thank you. Ridiculous... so proud that I don't live that lifestyle anymore.

The center photo is from Labor Day 2009. I was in graduate school and had done Weight Watchers. I was in OA for my binging and my workouts are what you would classify under "cardio queen"-- I literally went to the gym at Marquette and would bike for 40 minutes and then get on the elliptical/arc for another 30 minutes.
But what this shows you is that I, genetically, have a large stature. My muscles had no shape because I was terrified of getting bigger. I had grown up being ashamed of my genetic gift and the idea of lifting weights and adding any additional size was terrifying for me!

The right is today. 10 weeks out from stepping on stage for the first time in a NPC Figure competition. I would like you all to look at the numbers... you look at me and nobody guesses I weigh 170lbs. That SOUNDS like a huge number. I'm just around 12% body fat right now and with contest prep, I'll likely be about 12 lbs tighter when I step on stage.
I'm a size 8 or 6 sometimes...but I have to buy larger to fit my shoulders and legs then get everything taken in.
***PLEASE NOTE ~~ I AM WAY BELOW WHERE ANYONE WHO IS NOT INTO BODYBUILDING/COMPETING SHOULD BE!! AT MY AGE, <17% IS CONSIDERED "EXCEPTIONAL" SO PLEASE, DO NOT SET GOALS BASED ON WHAT SOMEBODY LIKE ME HAS TO DO FOR COMPETITION
I have been lifting weights for almost a year and I am THRILLED about the shape my body has taken (and the transformation continues). The major strides I've made as far as self confidence goes are beyond what I thought possible. Sure, I still have my insecurities and it stings when ignorant people tell me I look like a boy or call me too muscular... but the positive feedback I get from most people in my world helps lift my spirits. Changing your body really does change your mind... and the reverse is true too! There are such huge emotional changes that accompany physical transformation!!!! This is why my goal is to call myself "Wellness Coach" offering personal training, diet consultation and emotional support counseling.

So... saying goodbye to "the suit" and hello whatever comes next along my journey.

click on image to see full size

Video

A coworker asked me to be his Guinea pig for a sample highlight reel he'll be making for his clients. Pretty sweet ;) even though I had no clue how to do speed bag and I kept laughing on the glider LOL

SAMPLE VIDEO

**we'll be making another one... and I'll be prepared this time-- wearing better clothes & shoes, plus including more weights and things that I am working on (aka no speed bag lol)

Lean

Alright... so today I clocked in with 11.8% body fat. I'm ahead of schedule with the leaning out process. This means THE BEST THING EVER-- I get to eat more :)

I've been asked about what I've been eating. Here are my typical meals (without portions as that won't help any of you...since in doubt anyone reading this is my size haha)

M1 - 8am
Old-fashion oats + whey protein

Pre-workout snack (optional depending on time of workout)
Almonds or an apple

Post-workout
Whey protein + glutamine

M2- 10a / M3 - 1p / M4 - 4p
Chicken & green veggie (add brown rice or sweet potato on high carb days... chicken can be subbed for turkey, talapia/pollock/any white fish, tuna, veggie patties or deli ham)

M5 - 7p
Huge mixed greens salad or slaw with Dijon and vinegar... sometimes add eggs (or beans on high carb days)

M6 - 9p
PB & celery
(Sometimes I eat a sweet potato with cinnamon and stevia if I'm doing early starved cardio or heavy legs the next day...build up glycogen so my energy lasts through the workout)

That's sort of what my days look like during prep. I am incredibly active. I don't wear a pedometer, but I'm sure I put a few miles on each day... plus at least an hour of working out.
I eat simple, "boring" food a lot because it is fast and convenient fuel :)

I am NOT telling anyone to eat this. I am not a RD. This is simply a quick post to show an idea of the kinds of foods I eat while leaning out for contest prep.
I cycle my carbs-- keeping them low for 2 days and then 1 day of "average" ratio (3:2:1).

F Blue Monday

Today is "Blue Monday"... the most depressing day of the year... and I'm not immune to it. I've been feeling bogged down by not having much income, being hung up on my ex, feeling lonely still in this city, wishing I could close my eyes and wave a magic wand to make everything better and have INSTA-fixes... but that's not how life works.

I've been eating poorly through the holidays and into the new year. I just realized that I'm 16 weeks out from the show I want to do. Holy crap. So much on my plate, I feel like I might topple over.

Time to widen my stance, straighten my posture, dig deep and keep my chin up. 2014 is mine. I have my spark, time to light the candle and start a fire!

Here is a great video from Equinox... last year's ad campaign. I think it's a rad video... Hope you can find it as inspiring as I do. Find your spark.

Ouch

New Years day I fell on wet stairs as I was walking from my car to the gym...if my bag hadn't partially broken the fall, I'd have broken my arm... look for the destinct line of where the edge of the stair hit my ulna as the bruise surfaced. This is the progress of what happened to my arm.
Pics were added daily over the first week!