The Struggle

The struggle is real.
We often see memes about this on social media, but when I say it, I am not talking about the struggle to find motivation to workout nor to say no to tempting foods (we all know struggle would be an understatement for me there)... what I mean is the struggle of being me.

My whole life I have battled poor self esteem and lack of confidence. I was born with the genetics that, paired with my athletic involvement, developed into a very muscular physique. As an adolescent and young adult I struggled to feel good about my muscles. I feared lifting weights. I was, like so many others, under the impression that lifting weights would make me bigger than I already was -- and THAT would be horrible. I interpreted messages from the world negatively. I was so self-consious about my legs that other than during sports you wouldn't have ever caught me in shorts (or a skirt). I did everything in my power to hide my body.

When I graduated from undergrad, I had experienced 2 major injuries within the last year... the recovery process from those lead to a disconnect with the athlete that is part of my identity. My weight yoyo'd (as I've talked about in other posts) and I battled severe depression as I couldn't find where I fit. I moved around the country, worked all sorts of jobs, went to grad school, changed my mind... I was the epitome of indecision. I looked in the mirror and didn't know who that girl was-- all I knew was that I didn't really like her.

Since this particular post isn't a chronicle of my journey, we'll fast forward to the past year of my life.

I met my mentor in April 2013 and started lifting weights regularly. I found inspiration through Instagram and body composition competitors who advocated the messages of weights not making you bulky. I started to love what was happening. My body transformed... so did my entire life.

I'm still not where I want to be-- physically & emotionally. I am definitely making progress in liking the woman I see in the mirror. Having the right support is key. Here is a link to an amazing person's blog:
CONFIDENCE: Dana Lynn Bailey BLOG

Just as DLB says, finding clothes that fit is hard... and the negativity from strangers can really be loud and seem overwhelming. I aspire to accomplish even a fragment of what she has done. As a competitor, I would love to just qualify for Nationals... and as a person, I hope to find the kind of love she has with her husband and the CONFIDENCE she has. She has thickened her skin and the negativity seems to bounce right off. She is beautiful.

6/23/13

I am currently supposed to eat around 1650 net calories a day (+/- 100)... that recently dropped. I was averaging 1750 until I reached the 175lb milestone.

I slept in today. First night with new a/c unit installed and I think my body was STOKED to finally get a restful night's sleep. I may have slept too much though because I was/am feeling pretty lethargic.

Today's food & activity:

160 - 4 medium eggs (2 whites, 2 whole) cooked over medium
25 - 1 cup (measured when raw) baby spinach heated
160 - 1/2 avocado
100 - chicken sausage

walked to the convenient store to buy caffeine

25 - 1 Rockstar Recovery
150 - beef jerky

10 - 4 midget kosher dill pickles

100 - steamed broccoli
100 - 1 cup marinara sauce

GYM:
3 minutes warm up on elliptical then 7 reps HIIT [incline 6. resistance 10. 40 seconds at 160/spm 20 seconds 260+/spm]
Then an hour of arms, shoulders and back... ending with some core.
[eventually I will share details of workouts etc]
estimated -700 kcal (I wasn't wearing a heart monitor...I'll get one eventually)

I met IFBB Physique Pro Nola Trimble at the gym tonight. She's JACKED and GORGEOUS!! Wow, seriously. I would love to have her figure. She recommended that I try competing :) I said I've definitely thought about it once I get down to a manageable BF%... so, talk about inspiration!!

360 - canned chicken (yeah, I don't normally like eating out of a can, but I had this and it was quick)
150 - 1.5 cups frozen peas
160 - half avocado
0 - jalapeno mustard (gotta watch out for sodium)

I'm still pretty low for my net calories today so I plan on having a grapefruit (100 cal) and some prosecco (67 calories per 3.5oz serving).
I should be solid... I'm ok with a low cal day after admittedly having a few high calorie days this past week :-/

Hopefully, doing this blog will keep me on track like it did before!