Sick and Tired

If you are grossed out by "female stuff" I suggest you stop reading.

A little background.
When I got serious about lifting in November 2013, I went off all birth control...the pill I had been on made my monthly visitor nonexistent (normal as it had always been light before)... but I never got my period once I went off it. I asked my doctor and she said it wasn't uncommon in athletes as lean as I was. She suggested that I allow myself to gain some body fat after my April show. By June my cycle seemed to be back, and regular.
But that summer I didn't feel like myself. I can't exactly describe what it was...I just felt off. I tried to move forward.
Early in the new year a new problem arose. When my period came the first week in January, it never stopped. I went to the doctor in February and they said it was probably just stress.
I hired a contest coach soon after that who, hearing about my issue, suggested I take a supplement to metabolize estrogen.
Now... ladies... don't ever take something because your coach assumes something. He thought I was bleeding and moody from having too much estrogen...but he's not a doctor. I started taking DIM and the bleeding transitioned to more like spotting. But I was feeling REALLY off. I decided to stop taking it...
On March 19, 2015 I had just made a $200 deposit on my custom competition suit when I started to feel nauseous. I could feel the bleeding was getting heavy. In the car back to the city I was screaming in pain as my body cramped and gushed clots and blood.
I was rushed to the hospital. After 6 hours, 4 pelvic exams, an ultrasound and 3 blood panels, the doctor gave me some information.
I was not pregnant. But my body was going through a miscarriage...the only way it knew to reject massive amounts of tissue that had built up over several previous months. The DIM had made it worse...because I didn't have high estrogen. I actually had dangerously low estrogen & progesterone and naturally high testosterone. The test booster recommended by my first coach was actually making what little estrogen I had metabolize and my body freaked out without it.
Now, a little info. Most women who have participated in contact sports have higher test, so that's not uncommon.

I even got my uterus biopsied a week later.
The issue was... my body wasn't producing enough female hormones naturally... but they don't know why. Still.

Over the past few months I've gotten shots of progesterone and my system seems to be functioning properly... yet I'm not quite back to where I want to be. They can't tell me WHY. They can't tell me if I'll need these shots forever... and they have told me to avoid any extreme dieting.

I'm also fighting off extreme Adrenal Fatigue (I took myself off Adderall this year...after 20 years). My CNS is shot. I am trying hard to get my Vitamin D levels up as those were found to be extremely deficient. I no longer use preworkout or any fat burners.
I am always extremely tired. If I didn't have to get up to train clients,  I could easily stay in bed for days. My body hurts. My workouts have been almost nonexistent because of pain and stiffness most days. I still don't feel like myself.

I plan on meeting with a Naturopath when I get back from vacation... I look forward to getting my groove back!

So...will I ever compete again? I'd like to, some day. But I have no idea if/when my body will allow that. We shall see. I'm on a mission to get healthy. To find my sexy and be happy even if I don't have a visible six pack.

PRIDE

PRIDE: parades in cities across the map to celebrate diversity. A day set aside where none need be afraid to be who they are. Nobody should feel ashamed, but instead, proud of what makes them unique. Individuals, cliques and communities all unite because we are different…but we speak the universal language of love.
I have attended PRIDE parades since I was 14 years old (1996). As an adolescent I was a member of PFLAG and carried a sign that said “My dad’s gay, and that’s ok.” I wore shirts that said “I’m straight, not narrow [minded]” and participated in school discussion panels advocating tolerance and blind, unconditional love… and opening the eyes of young people who picked lines from Leviticus, but ignored others.
I’ve attended PRIDE in many major cities. This year was my third here in Chicago.
Midday Sunday, I walked over to the corner of Belmont & Halsted to watch the parade. My heart smiled as the air buzzed with joy. The recent Supreme Court ruling made this year’s parade feel even more electric because LOVE WINS!!
While I danced along to the house beats a group of young people got my attention and asked for a photo. I found this odd, but I do get a lot of random attention in public so I thought maybe they just wanted me to flex. I asked why they wanted a photo and a young man said “you’re way better looking that the queens on that float.” My heart sank. “I was born a woman” was all I could say… the group made faces of confusion and shock. I walked home… I was over the crowd anyhow.

That evening, I got dressed and ready for church. I had on Nike leggings, a casual tank and some heels…As I walked out onto the street to meet my ride, a group of girls pointed and said “he looks good get a picture with him.” I tried to ignore that, but then a nearby 20something grabbed my arm saying “you look so good! Who did your work?” My eyes filled with tears. “I’m a girl” was all I could get out as I shuffled through the crowd toward the corner where my driver was waiting. One more group hollered before I made it to the corner… as I closed the car door tears poured down my cheeks.

A little background to help you all understand who I am and why this stings SO much:
I am a 33 year old, heterosexual, tall, strong woman. I’ve been an athlete my entire life. From early childhood, I was made fun of and called a boy. Two years ago I started bodybuilding. I learned to be confident because STRONG IS SEXY. I am 100% natural. I have never touched a PED nor steroid of any sort and never will… I have been accused of using by ignorant people since I was a teenager.
I get stared at a lot. On a daily basis, people ask me if I compete, do crossfit, play a sport…they ask me to flex or if they can touch my calves… yes, it can be weird. For most of my life I thought when people stared it was because I was a freak… but I’ve learned to take it as a compliment.

Yesterday, I felt like a freak. People wanted photos with me just like they do with crazies so they can post on social media and boast. On a day that was created to make sure NOBODY feels ashamed, I felt horrible. I am different. I stand out. Most days, people stare or just ask me questions about what I do… but on this day, when the crowd was scattered with transgender and cross-dressed individuals, the questions asked of me were invasive and comments were made that I feel were inappropriate.

I feel like my experience Sunday can spark MANY different conversations. So here are some starters:
Who did your work? When did you transition?
Isn’t that like asking a heavy woman when she’s due?
What topics can you ask a stranger about?
What topics are only ok to discuss when initiated by the individual?

When are we talking about something that’s personal too freely?
With Caitlyn Jenner being all over the headlines, do people think this means that sensitive topics are fair game?
What can you safely ask a stranger?

Where is the distinction between questions asked to educate and eradicate ignorance and those that are inappropriate and invasive?

Are we giving Mass Media too much power when it comes to the development of our youth’s moral codes? Do parents want their children learning about certain subjects because the media bombarded them...or should certain topics be reserved for private conversation?

I’m all about equality and recognition… but when recognition becomes a spotlight, doesn’t that defeat the idea of acceptance? Is recognition a label? Don’t labels separate us?

I am unique. I am not a freak. I am not a prop to get you more likes on Instagram.

Why do people think a woman with muscle is either on steroids or formerly a man?
The world is plagued by ignorance.

Is it OK to stare at somebody who looks different?
Is staring at me any different than staring at an amputee?

This could go so many different directions…but I needed to share my story. This is a conversation that needs to be shared. I’m a strong woman. I can take a lot, but the ignorance of the mob got to me. A day dedicated to feeling PROUD-- no matter your race, gender, color, creed, sexual orientation… I felt shamed.