back and better than ever

Well, it's time. Time to keep myself accountable again so I've come back to the blog. 100dayshapeup was a bust as I let some of life's hurdles become road blocks that I saw as brick walls rather than just a challenge I could jump over and move past. But now, I'm back... I have a whole new life and I'm SHAPING IT UP! I moved to Chicago at the end of 2012 and early in 2013 (about March) I decided it was time to REALLY focus on what I was eating and what I'm doing to get the body I want and I know I can achieve. I stopped using a calorie counter ap that was telling me to eat too little (My Fitness Pal) and consulted with a nutrition expert. EAT TO LOSE was a whole new concept for me. I had no idea that the diets I'd used in the past weren't working because my body was slowing down into starvation mode. So... for the past 2 months I've been pushing myself to eat clean and train hard. No more 500 calorie elliptical workouts. I am training my entire body using High Intensity Interval Training techniques and weight lifting circuits. I will share details in later blog posts. If you read back to my old posts, you'll know I've struggled with Compulsive Over Eating. This addiction never goes away. It's like being an alcoholic or a drug addict... except that my addiction isn't a substance I can cut out of my life-- you can't NOT eat! So, I'm still working on ways to keep myself away from my trigger foods and stay on track. I'm going to use this blog, again, to keep track of my daily food intake as well as my workouts. I will weigh in on Wednesdays and try to get my body fat % tracked as accurately as possible (this is tough). I started at 196.6 lbs. My current weight is around 175-177 (depending on water/salt/sleep). I will do my best to keep my posts honest and accurate. I am going to look for some honest photos so I can show progress (and history).

50

failing... today was terrible
my eating disorder took over and I've been binging all day. My emotional stress got the best of me and I allowed myself to just eat until that hurt more than other stuff. I'm at a low. I hate it. I am not being nice to myself because I can't love myself when all I see myself doing is ugly.
I started to fall in love with a man who is the opposite of whom I ever saw myself falling for... and just like every guy I've ever met, out came the "I'm not ready" talk. FUCK!!!! Seriously, it's not fair to tell somebody you love them but you're scared and pull a 180. We all have hardships in our lives... but it's also an important piece of living successfully that we each find the balance we need. When you meet somebody you can see yourself growing old with, who makes you smile every time you catch their eye contact...how can you turn away from them? How can you bring yourself to say that you're willing to let them go, watch them date other people...can he really expect me to think that someday down the line, when he's "ready" that I'll be willing to put myself at risk of this same thing again?! What if we do start something down the line... will there be another time after that where he puts on the breaks and pushes me away?!
I hurt.
My stomach hurts.
I have been eating poorly and not working out... I binged terribly today. I need somebody...I need help from a friend. I need an encouraging hand and I don't know where to reach to find such a thing.
Half way through my challenge and I've dug myself into a hole.
Ouch.

honestly shocking

As I have decided to start posting the link to this blog on my facebook and share it via email with friends and loved ones...I've been getting some feedback that I wasn't expecting.

OMG!!!!!!!!!!! YOU WEIGH OVER 180 POUNDS?!?!?!?!!? OMG I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU ADMIT THAT!!

WTF people... really? Is honestly really that shocking? Why is it such a big deal for a woman who is NOT fat to honestly share her weight. If you look back at pictures of me when I was my thinnest, I was 155lbs~ and all those healthy pictures the comments flooded in for, I was 160-165. Yeah, for me, 160-165 looks great. Shocked by that number? How about you step back and think about this for a minute:

The average American adult female is 5'4" and weighs 140lbs and size 14
The average female we see on television is 5'11 and weighs 117lbs...
Though size 14 is average size in the US, it is the least commonly purchaced size of clothing... odd?
Article 1Article 2

I'm open and honest about what I weigh. Most of my life I was made to feel that this NUMBER was something to be ashamed of. I'm not ashamed. I am not a small person. I am a tall, muscular, beautiful woman... and it took me over 20 years to start believing that.
Now that I am back to focusing on getting myself healthy again, I am sharing every thought, calorie, experience and struggle... in hopes that maybe thoughts from friends (or even strangers) will help to keep me motivated and working hard on myself so that I can reach my final goals.
Even if I get zero feedback, no comments... no help... I wanted to keep myself accountable for all of my actions and I set this goal for myself. I couldn't think of a better way to really be accountable than something that others had public access too and I couldn't hide from ~ of course I could LIE, but what's the point?! I have a goal, it will be reached.
Ok, enough rambling... back to work!!

Wednesday Weigh-In (and goals)

...and so it begins!
I will only be weighing myself on Wednesdays. In my past, I struggled with some obsessive tendencies and there is no need to go crazy with trying to weigh yourself all of the time otherwise daily water retention variations will drive you/me crazy.
So, Wednesday mornings I will weigh myself first thing before eating/showering/etc, wearing chonies and a t-shirt.

STARTING WEIGHT: 183lbs

THE GOAL: lose 20lbs in 100 days
I have wanted to maintain my weight in the 160-165 range. I feel and look great in this weight window. So, that's what I'm aiming for!

STEPS: What I'll be doing in order to work toward my goal.
- Do something active every day (even if it is just going for a walk or doing core toning at home)
- Get to the gym 4 times a week
- Buy a bike and use that to commute around the city
- No fast food: Take lunch to work every day
- Limit alcohol consumption
- Keep track of daily food intake