The Struggle

The struggle is real.
We often see memes about this on social media, but when I say it, I am not talking about the struggle to find motivation to workout nor to say no to tempting foods (we all know struggle would be an understatement for me there)... what I mean is the struggle of being me.

My whole life I have battled poor self esteem and lack of confidence. I was born with the genetics that, paired with my athletic involvement, developed into a very muscular physique. As an adolescent and young adult I struggled to feel good about my muscles. I feared lifting weights. I was, like so many others, under the impression that lifting weights would make me bigger than I already was -- and THAT would be horrible. I interpreted messages from the world negatively. I was so self-consious about my legs that other than during sports you wouldn't have ever caught me in shorts (or a skirt). I did everything in my power to hide my body.

When I graduated from undergrad, I had experienced 2 major injuries within the last year... the recovery process from those lead to a disconnect with the athlete that is part of my identity. My weight yoyo'd (as I've talked about in other posts) and I battled severe depression as I couldn't find where I fit. I moved around the country, worked all sorts of jobs, went to grad school, changed my mind... I was the epitome of indecision. I looked in the mirror and didn't know who that girl was-- all I knew was that I didn't really like her.

Since this particular post isn't a chronicle of my journey, we'll fast forward to the past year of my life.

I met my mentor in April 2013 and started lifting weights regularly. I found inspiration through Instagram and body composition competitors who advocated the messages of weights not making you bulky. I started to love what was happening. My body transformed... so did my entire life.

I'm still not where I want to be-- physically & emotionally. I am definitely making progress in liking the woman I see in the mirror. Having the right support is key. Here is a link to an amazing person's blog:
CONFIDENCE: Dana Lynn Bailey BLOG

Just as DLB says, finding clothes that fit is hard... and the negativity from strangers can really be loud and seem overwhelming. I aspire to accomplish even a fragment of what she has done. As a competitor, I would love to just qualify for Nationals... and as a person, I hope to find the kind of love she has with her husband and the CONFIDENCE she has. She has thickened her skin and the negativity seems to bounce right off. She is beautiful.

What IS normal?

Since my show I have gone overboard. I have legitimately eaten 3x what I should be each day... I've had nonstop indulgences and it shows. My abs are literally insulated and no longer visible... I've read many different posts about post-competition binging, but none from recovering compulsive over eaters.
Going into the show I knew I would be at risk-- but I told myself I would just be normal, eat healthy but allow myself meals out with friends etc... but I caved and old habits took over.

I'm working hard to try to find balance... feeling normal... not calling myself fat... eating well... staying healthy... all that jazz.

More soon.

First Show

Well, I did it! I learned a lot and look forward to trying again with all the things I learned from this first go-round.

I'm incredibly proud of myself. I've worked SO hard on my body for the last year and I brought an impressive physique to the competition ... now I just need to work on how I present it on stage (tan color, suit sparkle and posing).

I'll post more later, but wanted to post a few pics.
More on bodymorphpros.com forum.

Exceptional

I'm finding myself still caught off guard when people compliment my physique. One of my clients called me super human yesterday and I really thought she was just trying to be funny. I'm not sure if I will ever see myself as being in exceptional shape. I know I have come really far, but I have a long way to go before I can walk away from the veil of self-criticism that covered me for over 30 years.
Don't get me wrong, I know I'm in great shape. I don't see myself as fat or have any body dimorphic-esque thoughts, but the fact is that I'm NOT normal. I don't want to be. I am me. I am different. I stand out. I am a freak. I am an exceptional human being.

the suit - changes - weight is just a number

This morning, I've been putting together bags of old clothes to take and donate to a local shelter. Before I toss "the suit" into the bag, I figured I'd take one last picture to see where my life has taken me.
In 2007, I reached 215lbs. The photo on the left is from my 25th birthday HAHA please ignore the face. I was pretty inebriated and the bow on my chest... well, I was cracking up because as a thank you for my surprise party, I was presenting my (then large) boobs to my boyfriend as a thank you. Ridiculous... so proud that I don't live that lifestyle anymore.

The center photo is from Labor Day 2009. I was in graduate school and had done Weight Watchers. I was in OA for my binging and my workouts are what you would classify under "cardio queen"-- I literally went to the gym at Marquette and would bike for 40 minutes and then get on the elliptical/arc for another 30 minutes.
But what this shows you is that I, genetically, have a large stature. My muscles had no shape because I was terrified of getting bigger. I had grown up being ashamed of my genetic gift and the idea of lifting weights and adding any additional size was terrifying for me!

The right is today. 10 weeks out from stepping on stage for the first time in a NPC Figure competition. I would like you all to look at the numbers... you look at me and nobody guesses I weigh 170lbs. That SOUNDS like a huge number. I'm just around 12% body fat right now and with contest prep, I'll likely be about 12 lbs tighter when I step on stage.
I'm a size 8 or 6 sometimes...but I have to buy larger to fit my shoulders and legs then get everything taken in.
***PLEASE NOTE ~~ I AM WAY BELOW WHERE ANYONE WHO IS NOT INTO BODYBUILDING/COMPETING SHOULD BE!! AT MY AGE, <17% IS CONSIDERED "EXCEPTIONAL" SO PLEASE, DO NOT SET GOALS BASED ON WHAT SOMEBODY LIKE ME HAS TO DO FOR COMPETITION
I have been lifting weights for almost a year and I am THRILLED about the shape my body has taken (and the transformation continues). The major strides I've made as far as self confidence goes are beyond what I thought possible. Sure, I still have my insecurities and it stings when ignorant people tell me I look like a boy or call me too muscular... but the positive feedback I get from most people in my world helps lift my spirits. Changing your body really does change your mind... and the reverse is true too! There are such huge emotional changes that accompany physical transformation!!!! This is why my goal is to call myself "Wellness Coach" offering personal training, diet consultation and emotional support counseling.

So... saying goodbye to "the suit" and hello whatever comes next along my journey.

click on image to see full size