pause

I have to put this on hold.
Being unemployed my life has no schedule and I'm struggling endlessly to get some routine in my world. So my diet is off and my emotions are on a roller coaster.
I will start back up at 50 when I get a job and can actually feel that there is some order to my days...I'm sorry everyone. This shouldn't take too long.

50

failing... today was terrible
my eating disorder took over and I've been binging all day. My emotional stress got the best of me and I allowed myself to just eat until that hurt more than other stuff. I'm at a low. I hate it. I am not being nice to myself because I can't love myself when all I see myself doing is ugly.
I started to fall in love with a man who is the opposite of whom I ever saw myself falling for... and just like every guy I've ever met, out came the "I'm not ready" talk. FUCK!!!! Seriously, it's not fair to tell somebody you love them but you're scared and pull a 180. We all have hardships in our lives... but it's also an important piece of living successfully that we each find the balance we need. When you meet somebody you can see yourself growing old with, who makes you smile every time you catch their eye contact...how can you turn away from them? How can you bring yourself to say that you're willing to let them go, watch them date other people...can he really expect me to think that someday down the line, when he's "ready" that I'll be willing to put myself at risk of this same thing again?! What if we do start something down the line... will there be another time after that where he puts on the breaks and pushes me away?!
I hurt.
My stomach hurts.
I have been eating poorly and not working out... I binged terribly today. I need somebody...I need help from a friend. I need an encouraging hand and I don't know where to reach to find such a thing.
Half way through my challenge and I've dug myself into a hole.
Ouch.

51

2x bagel w/PB (one breakfast, one lunch)
1 diet dr. pepper
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unplanned exercise: didn't move my car to walk between various stores
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salad: lettuce
carrots
peas
tuna
fat free miracle whip
vinegar
-

52

Totally could not sleep last night... so frustrating. Lots to do today and too much in my head I guess, but I'm hoping to catch a nap at some point today so that my metabolism isn't completely shot.
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1 plain bagel
1 1/2 Tbs PB
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another one of ^^
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2 hours hiking Brighton
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1 brat
1 bun
2 tbs sour kraut
mustard
2 handfuls potato chips
-
1 cup potato salad

53

Well, my attempt to keep track of what I ate while in the desert was a complete failure... but what I can tell you, is that it was entirely too much CRAP. I'm thinking about not weighing myself this week because I really am about to kick myself into high gear and make this shiz happen.

Today.
2 tortillas
2 Tbs PB
1 tsp honey
-
1 high fiber granola bar.
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2 turkey dogs
1 tortilla
lettuce
mustard
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WHY the heck is the gym always closed on holidays?? I mean, come on... we all know everyone eats too much on holidays and especially when the holiday creates a long weekend. This is EXACTLY when people NEED to work out. Pay your employees double time and open the ef up!! Mother truckers.
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1 bag spring greens
fat free dressing