Strong As F*ck

Obviously competing in strongman requires quite a bit of strength. As bittersweet as it may be, I have come to find that most of the very strong people I know have come from a whole lot of pain. Some may say that it takes a certain level of crazy to put yourself through the type of training required to complete in a strength sport. I laugh at this, well maybe it’s more of a nervous giggle, but I do think it takes a special something to be able to do the things required to push the body to any physical extremes.

The term "inner strength" has so much cliché attached to it that I really avoid trying to reference it. Lately I’ve had to focus on mine via self-care. Step 1, write more.

After winning my subclass at Nationals this year, Eli proposed. Of course I said yes... I was on cloud 9. I didn’t think it was possible to have a happier weekend! I’d been single for so long that I had convinced myself nobody would ever want to marry me. His love changed so much for me; unfortunately, as I’ve blogged about previously, post-competition blues got the better of me and I went into a very dark place. In my darkness, I became extremely negative... my negativity was received with anger and a few weeks later, the relationship is over... it feels like the world has been ripped from under my feet. 

I won’t go into the other details of betrayal and heartache, but I will share what I’m focusing on now: I’m so grateful for the opportunity to learn life lessons. I’m thankful for the reminder than I am loveable and that I have a whole lot of love to give. I’m proud of myself for speaking up and always telling the truth. I’m reminded to always trust my gut & will continue to work on impulsivity--taking time to respond to things instead of reacting when emotionally charged. I am confident that I will come out of this pain even stronger.

The #igetoutalive challenge came with perfect timing and I jumped on board. I’ve been focused on self care via journaling, meditation, dancing, playing with my dog, treating my body right and LOVING MYSELF 💜 No matter what you’re going through, stay STRONG AS F*CK!

Nats. No Worlds

The past few weeks have been all about making big decisions… Due to my health, I have made the decision to not pursue a spot at worlds this year. After six weeks on antibiotics, I was left feeling incredibly weak and drained. I went back to the hormone doctor for a blood test and all of my levels were incredibly low again. It seems that while I was sick my body tore through these slow releasing hormones at a much faster than normal rate. That being said, we implanted my second round of pellets last Friday. As I mentioned after my first insertion, the pellets take about two weeks to start working. I almost didn’t register for Nationals, but since it’s my only chance to get an invite to the Arnold I decided I have to do it! 

Training for Nationals has not been as great as I originally thought it was going... All this time with very little energy and body aches and pains has been not only physically exhausting, but emotionally too. But there’s no better way for me to really test myself then to go into this knowing what I’m physically capable of (and putting behind me how I think I feel) and BRING IT! 

After not being able to do a video entry for Worlds last year due to my dislocated middle finger, I really wanted to do it this year. I recorded all 3 events — 200/hand farmers, 185 log for 5 and a 410 deadlift (no suit)... Knowing all of those numbers were below what I could do if I were actually training to peak those events, but I knew the numbers would be “good enough” to get me qualified; however, when it came time to submit, I decided not to... why? I’ll tell you.

 1. My body needs some time. With the hormones and having been so sick, I just need to focus on my overall health. I won’t stop training Strongman, but I’m going to spend a few months getting my weight back under control and feel like my endurance is back where I’d like it to be.
2. I am broke. I already had to turn down Stones of Strength because I can’t afford to fly to CA (2 weeks before I take time off for Nationals) so another trip to NC is not in the budget. I’m trying to move within the next few months... big move, news in that soon, but I can’t waste money on extra domestic travel and days away from clients (when I’m not working, I’m not making money... and if I’m not making money, how can I pay my health insurance and other bills).
3. I want to compete at the Arnold, but if I wreck myself before then, I won’t do as well as I know I can do.
4. Related to 2, December means holidays and I like to travel to see my family (as none of them live in Chicago), so I can’t take more time in December off if I want to see my family for Christmas! 

I will continue to train and plan for comps in 2019, but right now I just cannot afford (financially, time wise, nor physically) to compete at Worlds.

Nats and Worlds

As of this morning, I am still sitting at exactly 200 pounds. I do have my period so I suspect that once that’s done I should be just under 200. As much as we always talk about how the number on the scale really shouldn’t matter, I am really looking forward to that first digit no longer being a 2. There is just some sort of a psychological comfort that will come from seeing the number on the scale does sending toward my "comfort zone." I hardly ever wear myself as to avoid becoming fixated on the number I see… But I am trying to weigh myself every other week just to make sure the progress that I perceive in the mirror matches fat loss that can be tracked by the scale.

Today we are officially within seven weeks of ASC nationals and training is getting intense. I have been fighting off some nasty sickness for several weeks… It started with strep which I took a full run of antibiotics for, but there has been a nasty cough that keeps me up at night... which has yet to go away 😡 Poor sleep and fighting off sickness (in addition to my cycle) means I feel pretty weak. Needless to say, it is very frustrating.

In addition to training for heavyweight nationals, I also plan on completing the online qualifier for worlds strongest woman which is due by mid-September. My hope is to drive out to Indiana to film my videos with my coach, Terry Rady, so that he can coach me and hype me up!

For my friends/family/followers who are not in Strongman, my events for the upcoming contests are:
NATIONALS:
Axle clean & press away 210lbs, Frame deadlift 475lbs, Circuis Dumbbell 120lbs, Frame carry 515lbs, Medley: 220lb Block, 315lb duck walk, 255lb sled pull
WORLDS: Max Deadlift, Max log clean & 5 rep press, Max 100ft farmers carry (w turn)

So far, training has felt pretty good. A few weeks ago I successfully picked and carried the frame at contest weight (half distance) which gave me a massive confidence boost even through it ripped both of my hands open 🤷🏻‍♀️ Last weekend, I was out in San Diego and got a chance to train with Kristen Rhodes. She gave me some great pointers and I was able to get multiple reps on the CDB at closer to contest weight than I have ever even been able to clean... so aside from my low energy from fighting off illnesses, I’d say I’m feeling pretty good. Next round of blood tests will be in a few weeks to see how my thyroid function is doing and to make sure my hormones stay at optimal levels as I go into Nationals!
[I do have a few extra test results I am waiting on and some writing to post about birth control that I will post soon]

Heavyweight

If you have been following along at all, you know that I’ve been dealing with a lot… The hormone issues lead to weight gain and even since starting treatment, we haven’t quite found the perfect balance of everything yet. As I have been working to slowly take off the weight my body put on (down almost 10lbs in 7 weeks),  I have been doing quite a bit of reflecting when it comes to what the scale says and what the mirror tells me...and how each makes me feel.

Earlier this calendar year I knew my body was screwed up. So rather than fight it and cut weight for shows to compete in middle weight, I entered as a heavy because I was confident I could take on open class and win. Because of that, my invitation for nationals this year is as a heavyweight... shit. A few weeks ago, the events for Nationals were posted... as I looked at the weights, I really got overwhelmed with self-doubt. Should I even compete? Should I just wait to see the announcement for Worlds and go as a middleweight? So... I asked my coach.

Now, one could easily say that coaches just want your money etc. etc. but the reason I have the coach I work with is because I genuinely trust that he will always be honest with me. Terry is not only my coach but he is one of my most trusted friends. So as we looked at the events together, he got excited and told me that he thinks I should compete as a light heavyweight and that I have a good shot at an Arnold invite. So, I said LETS DO THIS!

Training for these heavy ass weights means that I’m not doing the extra cardio that I would like to do so that I can feel as if I am working toward the aesthetic I am more comfortable with. 

Two hundred pounds. Fuck! That’s a big number. I always tell my clients not to set a number goal because the scale can be so deceiving… But I’m having a really hard time with it. I know that I like to walk around anywhere between 178-185... But I haven’t seen those numbers in almost a year. I know all about what muscle weighs etc... but I also know what my programming has looked like and I haven’t grown anywhere other than what’s clearly fat storage. I’m very aware that I am incredibly critical of myself, as we all are… But myself, like anyone who has been plagued by the NPC, I hold to an incredibly high standard because I have seen the body I am capable of chiseling out. Yeah yeah I know that back then I wasn’t as strong as I am now, but I would really like to get back under 190 soon. 

I think that one of the hardest parts of getting over the number on the scale (or the size of the jeans I recently tried on) is the social stigma attached to it. While I am glad to see the "norm" is shifting ever so slightly to recognizing what’s normal/average isn’t what we see in most magazines, I would say it’s safe to hypothesize that I am not what most people would envision when I asked to picture a 200 pound (90.9kg) woman. I mean, I am included in that… And that’s part of where the dysmorphia comes from. When I look in the mirror I don’t see a fat person, but I do see my fat storage. The layer under the skin hiding the lines I used to love... The parts that jiggle … that’s where I focus. I have to stop doing that!!

I am putting significant effort toward tracking my intake and balancing it with my energy output. My program is designed to get me as physically prepared as possible for the big weights at nationals but more importantly to get me confident. The work I’m doing with my FM will keep moving me toward a balanced body and hopefully keep this weight coming off slowly and steadily. I have no idea what the next 12 weeks will bring, but I’m ready to do the f’king work. 

Here I am: strong, sexy, smart, capable, confident... a heavyweight 💪🏼

Six Weeks

I started Bio-identical Hormone Replacement Therapy 6 weeks ago. The doctor told me it would take about 2 weeks for me to start "feeling" the hormones starting to work and 3 weeks until they were at full potency.

Traveling to Norway was just about when the doctor said I’d likely start to feel things. Traveling there, my flight left Chicago at 9:30pm Monday and landed in London around 11am Tuesday... after a layover, I arrived in Norway around 6:30p. I slept the whole time on the long flight and felt good when I got to Norway. Aside from the sun never going down, I went to bed at 10:30pm... I woke up at 6:15 without an alarm. I was just up... and I felt rested!

I cannot tell you how strange that was for me... for the next few days, I was totally on a perfect clock-- fell asleep before 11 and woke up around 6:30. Awake. Refreshed. Ready to get out of bed... did you read that? I wanted to get out of bed! I don’t know if I’ve ever woken up and felt good--not overwhelmed with dread or feeling like I didn’t sleep at all. I’ve tried many different apps to monitor my sleep cycles and they all told me I suck at sleeping 🤷🏻‍♀️ ...but now, I sleep! And not only that, but waking up and feeling "normal." I cannot tell y’all how jealous I am if this is how everyone typically feels when they wake up!!

In addition to sleeping better and waking up naturally, I started to feel better in general. Maybe it’s just because I’m actually getting restful sleep, but I’m certain the hormones are alleviating a significant amount of my depressive symptoms.

So this almost euphoric change lasted a few weeks, but then my not sleeping returned… My anxiety has been elevated and I even had a significant depressive episode less than a week ago. One that was so bad, in fact, that I found myself sitting at a train station watching the express trains go by…ready to take that step forward as each approached... I called or texted 10 people and nobody was answering. I really felt like I was completely alone in the world... Yeah I know that’s a pretty melodramatic, but there’s something about sending a text that says "HEY! I am not ok. Please call. I just need to talk to somebody." and having 10 people either not reply or tell you they’re busy that feels like salt in a fresh cut.

But I’m here. I returned home to Sugar. Grit.

 Monday I went in for blood test to see where all my levels were and I got those results back today. My cortisol levels are down which is great news… It is still elevated, but not insanely high like it was before which is why all of my hormones were so depleted. My testosterone level is now where it should be, but my progesterone is still low. We also noticed that my thyroid levels are down… Which made sense to me since my weight-loss has sort of paused. We looked at the results from my NutraEval and saw a significant lack of B vitamins... Which then explains the depleted thyroid. Low B3 & B6 also result in depression and irritability. So now we will be working to boost my vitamin levels and other micro nutrients through gut health… I will be supplementing as well as trying to up my intake of vitamin rich foods. In addition to this, I am taking a probiotic and digestive enzyme to improve cut health-- something often overlooked: low vitamin levels could be because bad bacteria inside of me aren’t letting my body absorb the nutrients I am feeding it. In another month, we will test my blood and saliva again...if the numbers still seem off, a fecal exam will give us a clearer picture of what exactly is happening inside my gut!

So, the journey toward finding balance and health continues... stay tuned!