Nats and Worlds

As of this morning, I am still sitting at exactly 200 pounds. I do have my period so I suspect that once that’s done I should be just under 200. As much as we always talk about how the number on the scale really shouldn’t matter, I am really looking forward to that first digit no longer being a 2. There is just some sort of a psychological comfort that will come from seeing the number on the scale does sending toward my "comfort zone." I hardly ever wear myself as to avoid becoming fixated on the number I see… But I am trying to weigh myself every other week just to make sure the progress that I perceive in the mirror matches fat loss that can be tracked by the scale.

Today we are officially within seven weeks of ASC nationals and training is getting intense. I have been fighting off some nasty sickness for several weeks… It started with strep which I took a full run of antibiotics for, but there has been a nasty cough that keeps me up at night... which has yet to go away 😡 Poor sleep and fighting off sickness (in addition to my cycle) means I feel pretty weak. Needless to say, it is very frustrating.

In addition to training for heavyweight nationals, I also plan on completing the online qualifier for worlds strongest woman which is due by mid-September. My hope is to drive out to Indiana to film my videos with my coach, Terry Rady, so that he can coach me and hype me up!

For my friends/family/followers who are not in Strongman, my events for the upcoming contests are:
NATIONALS:
Axle clean & press away 210lbs, Frame deadlift 475lbs, Circuis Dumbbell 120lbs, Frame carry 515lbs, Medley: 220lb Block, 315lb duck walk, 255lb sled pull
WORLDS: Max Deadlift, Max log clean & 5 rep press, Max 100ft farmers carry (w turn)

So far, training has felt pretty good. A few weeks ago I successfully picked and carried the frame at contest weight (half distance) which gave me a massive confidence boost even through it ripped both of my hands open 🤷🏻‍♀️ Last weekend, I was out in San Diego and got a chance to train with Kristen Rhodes. She gave me some great pointers and I was able to get multiple reps on the CDB at closer to contest weight than I have ever even been able to clean... so aside from my low energy from fighting off illnesses, I’d say I’m feeling pretty good. Next round of blood tests will be in a few weeks to see how my thyroid function is doing and to make sure my hormones stay at optimal levels as I go into Nationals!
[I do have a few extra test results I am waiting on and some writing to post about birth control that I will post soon]

Heavyweight

If you have been following along at all, you know that I’ve been dealing with a lot… The hormone issues lead to weight gain and even since starting treatment, we haven’t quite found the perfect balance of everything yet. As I have been working to slowly take off the weight my body put on (down almost 10lbs in 7 weeks),  I have been doing quite a bit of reflecting when it comes to what the scale says and what the mirror tells me...and how each makes me feel.

Earlier this calendar year I knew my body was screwed up. So rather than fight it and cut weight for shows to compete in middle weight, I entered as a heavy because I was confident I could take on open class and win. Because of that, my invitation for nationals this year is as a heavyweight... shit. A few weeks ago, the events for Nationals were posted... as I looked at the weights, I really got overwhelmed with self-doubt. Should I even compete? Should I just wait to see the announcement for Worlds and go as a middleweight? So... I asked my coach.

Now, one could easily say that coaches just want your money etc. etc. but the reason I have the coach I work with is because I genuinely trust that he will always be honest with me. Terry is not only my coach but he is one of my most trusted friends. So as we looked at the events together, he got excited and told me that he thinks I should compete as a light heavyweight and that I have a good shot at an Arnold invite. So, I said LETS DO THIS!

Training for these heavy ass weights means that I’m not doing the extra cardio that I would like to do so that I can feel as if I am working toward the aesthetic I am more comfortable with. 

Two hundred pounds. Fuck! That’s a big number. I always tell my clients not to set a number goal because the scale can be so deceiving… But I’m having a really hard time with it. I know that I like to walk around anywhere between 178-185... But I haven’t seen those numbers in almost a year. I know all about what muscle weighs etc... but I also know what my programming has looked like and I haven’t grown anywhere other than what’s clearly fat storage. I’m very aware that I am incredibly critical of myself, as we all are… But myself, like anyone who has been plagued by the NPC, I hold to an incredibly high standard because I have seen the body I am capable of chiseling out. Yeah yeah I know that back then I wasn’t as strong as I am now, but I would really like to get back under 190 soon. 

I think that one of the hardest parts of getting over the number on the scale (or the size of the jeans I recently tried on) is the social stigma attached to it. While I am glad to see the "norm" is shifting ever so slightly to recognizing what’s normal/average isn’t what we see in most magazines, I would say it’s safe to hypothesize that I am not what most people would envision when I asked to picture a 200 pound (90.9kg) woman. I mean, I am included in that… And that’s part of where the dysmorphia comes from. When I look in the mirror I don’t see a fat person, but I do see my fat storage. The layer under the skin hiding the lines I used to love... The parts that jiggle … that’s where I focus. I have to stop doing that!!

I am putting significant effort toward tracking my intake and balancing it with my energy output. My program is designed to get me as physically prepared as possible for the big weights at nationals but more importantly to get me confident. The work I’m doing with my FM will keep moving me toward a balanced body and hopefully keep this weight coming off slowly and steadily. I have no idea what the next 12 weeks will bring, but I’m ready to do the f’king work. 

Here I am: strong, sexy, smart, capable, confident... a heavyweight 💪🏼

Six Weeks

I started Bio-identical Hormone Replacement Therapy 6 weeks ago. The doctor told me it would take about 2 weeks for me to start "feeling" the hormones starting to work and 3 weeks until they were at full potency.

Traveling to Norway was just about when the doctor said I’d likely start to feel things. Traveling there, my flight left Chicago at 9:30pm Monday and landed in London around 11am Tuesday... after a layover, I arrived in Norway around 6:30p. I slept the whole time on the long flight and felt good when I got to Norway. Aside from the sun never going down, I went to bed at 10:30pm... I woke up at 6:15 without an alarm. I was just up... and I felt rested!

I cannot tell you how strange that was for me... for the next few days, I was totally on a perfect clock-- fell asleep before 11 and woke up around 6:30. Awake. Refreshed. Ready to get out of bed... did you read that? I wanted to get out of bed! I don’t know if I’ve ever woken up and felt good--not overwhelmed with dread or feeling like I didn’t sleep at all. I’ve tried many different apps to monitor my sleep cycles and they all told me I suck at sleeping 🤷🏻‍♀️ ...but now, I sleep! And not only that, but waking up and feeling "normal." I cannot tell y’all how jealous I am if this is how everyone typically feels when they wake up!!

In addition to sleeping better and waking up naturally, I started to feel better in general. Maybe it’s just because I’m actually getting restful sleep, but I’m certain the hormones are alleviating a significant amount of my depressive symptoms.

So this almost euphoric change lasted a few weeks, but then my not sleeping returned… My anxiety has been elevated and I even had a significant depressive episode less than a week ago. One that was so bad, in fact, that I found myself sitting at a train station watching the express trains go by…ready to take that step forward as each approached... I called or texted 10 people and nobody was answering. I really felt like I was completely alone in the world... Yeah I know that’s a pretty melodramatic, but there’s something about sending a text that says "HEY! I am not ok. Please call. I just need to talk to somebody." and having 10 people either not reply or tell you they’re busy that feels like salt in a fresh cut.

But I’m here. I returned home to Sugar. Grit.

 Monday I went in for blood test to see where all my levels were and I got those results back today. My cortisol levels are down which is great news… It is still elevated, but not insanely high like it was before which is why all of my hormones were so depleted. My testosterone level is now where it should be, but my progesterone is still low. We also noticed that my thyroid levels are down… Which made sense to me since my weight-loss has sort of paused. We looked at the results from my NutraEval and saw a significant lack of B vitamins... Which then explains the depleted thyroid. Low B3 & B6 also result in depression and irritability. So now we will be working to boost my vitamin levels and other micro nutrients through gut health… I will be supplementing as well as trying to up my intake of vitamin rich foods. In addition to this, I am taking a probiotic and digestive enzyme to improve cut health-- something often overlooked: low vitamin levels could be because bad bacteria inside of me aren’t letting my body absorb the nutrients I am feeding it. In another month, we will test my blood and saliva again...if the numbers still seem off, a fecal exam will give us a clearer picture of what exactly is happening inside my gut!

So, the journey toward finding balance and health continues... stay tuned!

Norway

Last weekend I had the privilege of competing in the IHGF Stones of Strength World Championship in Fefor, Norway. Wow... just wow 😻.
(If you have the chance to check out my Instagram, I did save all of my story posts in a highlight reel; unfortunately, I cannot export that nor link directly to it).

Before I talk about the comp, I want to share a little about why this trip was extra special for me. Not only was the opportunity to travel overseas a blessing in and of itself, but the timing could not have been better. Many people know about the emotional struggles I’ve faced for most of my life... and back in February, when I was first metaphorically handed this golden ticket, it was a lifeline from above. Having this trip to look forward to added a much needed light to my darkness... then the actual trip? Well, I couldn’t have made it better. Ok, maybe more sunshine? But nope, I wouldn’t have changed a thing. I had SO much fun. I met some amazing people from all over the world... friendships blossomed that I know will last a lifetime. 💋💋 

The events were as follows:

1. 48kg stone clean & press 1 min AMRAP [6]
2. 60-70-80-90kg Natural stone load & carry medley [56.8 seconds]
3. 116kg Hussafel carry for distance [100ft?]
4. 10kg stone put [753cm]
5. 80-90-103-112-120kg Atlas Stones [27.5 seconds]

All day I chased the pro strongwomen. I focused on being precise and not making mistakes. I didn’t want to drop anything and I didn’t want to flare up my lifters elbow... so could I have been faster? Probably, but I’m proud of my performance! I won the throw and set a new field record (753cm) without actually using my throwing technique 💁🏻‍♀️ I started blacking out with the Hussy, but I was so stoked to get that thing off the ground without tacky...I needed to breathe. I finished in 4th place overall, missing the podium by only half a point!

My take aways:  I’m extremely proud of my performance, especially as I am still so new to Strongman and strength sports. Competing is way more fun when you make friends and laugh all day. I need to travel outside of the US way more... the world of strength sports is full of so many other beautiful weirdos 💜 I am really interested in trying Highland Games and dialing back in my throws... so, I’m going to look into what comps are in my area this year and maybe jump in one for fun to see how I do 🤗

CLICK HERE FOR EVENT VIDEOS

I need to say a bunch of thank yous:

Casey & Nyck. What an incredible thing... you two got me this incredible opportunity simply because you saw something in me. I’ve never had that happen before in my life. The fact that you picked me out of the masses, gave me the opportunity of a lifetime... and then coached me for free, there aren’t words for just how grateful I am! Casey, thank you for hearing my concerns about my health and encouraging me to get my blood tests. I don’t know how much longer I would have continued to just "deal with" the issues I was facing if you hadn’t been so adamant about me talking to your FM. Guys, thank you.

To Francis & Kikki & Fefor Hotel! THANK YOU! It was an absolute honor to be a part of this year’s event and I really do hope I can come out again. You all put so much work into making the week perfect, and it was: The best week I’ve had in a very very long time.

S10 Fitness. Thank you guys for giving me so much of your time and really helping me peel away the layers to figure out why I’ve been having elbow pain. You guys have trained your eyes to see everything--big picture and tiny details. Thank you dropping so much knowledge and reducing my pain... and for being super cool humans on top of it all.

Spencer from Victory Athletics. The stone sleeves are a game changer!! Thank you so much for the support.

Insertion

Today marks the first of what I hope will be a huge shift in my world. I went in to my doctor appointment to go over my full blood panel results. Just as we saw both in 2015 and a few weeks ago, I have no progesterone (0.13 & should be 3-20) and very low testosterone (15 & should be 40-70). The difference between this blood panel and one previous is that this shows the difference between my estradiol and estrone. My estradiol (88) is lower than it should be (100+),but not as low as the first test showed. My estrone is high (75 & should be < 60).

 After going over the six pages of test results, we discussed extensively my various symptoms that I’ve been dealing with because of this significant hormonal imbalance. Most of the medical issues have been more severe since the initial hospitalization in 2015, but many have been present since puberty. We decided the best course of action is to implant testosterone pellets and take progesterone, estrodim (to metabolize the excessive estrone), and magnesium orally.

Information about pellet HRT 

I have prided myself on being a "natural athlete" my entire life. Having people question me about being on drugs, usually because they are ignorant, has been something I have dealt with since high school. Even going through this HRT, I still consider myself natty. Bio identical hormone replacement therapy is to bring me to a "normal" hormone balance-- not to exceed normal levels as is the goal with most PED users. If I do get stronger because of this, neat. My only goal in making this investment is to feel better.

Here is a video clip of the pellet insertion procedure I had today. I didn’t feel anything. These pellets last 6 months. No lower body lifting until Sunday!

The doctor said I should start to feel the hormones doing their job in 10 to 14 days. I cannot express in words just how excited I am to start feeling better. To know that it hasn’t just been in my head… How for so many years even the simplest tasks feel like they take so much effort! To know that soon I will be able to wake up and feel "normal." The idea of living without so many of the symptoms that doctors have tried to Band-Aid with psychopharmaceuticals seems like a dream…I am trying very hard to not have too many expectations for this treatment, but I sure have a lot of hope!

This was an intake check list. Various symptoms are due to different hormone deficiencies. My main issue is no progesterone, so I’m taking that orally and they’ve put in the T pellets to help bring al my levels up to a normal range.