Heavyweight

If you have been following along at all, you know that I’ve been dealing with a lot… The hormone issues lead to weight gain and even since starting treatment, we haven’t quite found the perfect balance of everything yet. As I have been working to slowly take off the weight my body put on (down almost 10lbs in 7 weeks),  I have been doing quite a bit of reflecting when it comes to what the scale says and what the mirror tells me...and how each makes me feel.

Earlier this calendar year I knew my body was screwed up. So rather than fight it and cut weight for shows to compete in middle weight, I entered as a heavy because I was confident I could take on open class and win. Because of that, my invitation for nationals this year is as a heavyweight... shit. A few weeks ago, the events for Nationals were posted... as I looked at the weights, I really got overwhelmed with self-doubt. Should I even compete? Should I just wait to see the announcement for Worlds and go as a middleweight? So... I asked my coach.

Now, one could easily say that coaches just want your money etc. etc. but the reason I have the coach I work with is because I genuinely trust that he will always be honest with me. Terry is not only my coach but he is one of my most trusted friends. So as we looked at the events together, he got excited and told me that he thinks I should compete as a light heavyweight and that I have a good shot at an Arnold invite. So, I said LETS DO THIS!

Training for these heavy ass weights means that I’m not doing the extra cardio that I would like to do so that I can feel as if I am working toward the aesthetic I am more comfortable with. 

Two hundred pounds. Fuck! That’s a big number. I always tell my clients not to set a number goal because the scale can be so deceiving… But I’m having a really hard time with it. I know that I like to walk around anywhere between 178-185... But I haven’t seen those numbers in almost a year. I know all about what muscle weighs etc... but I also know what my programming has looked like and I haven’t grown anywhere other than what’s clearly fat storage. I’m very aware that I am incredibly critical of myself, as we all are… But myself, like anyone who has been plagued by the NPC, I hold to an incredibly high standard because I have seen the body I am capable of chiseling out. Yeah yeah I know that back then I wasn’t as strong as I am now, but I would really like to get back under 190 soon. 

I think that one of the hardest parts of getting over the number on the scale (or the size of the jeans I recently tried on) is the social stigma attached to it. While I am glad to see the "norm" is shifting ever so slightly to recognizing what’s normal/average isn’t what we see in most magazines, I would say it’s safe to hypothesize that I am not what most people would envision when I asked to picture a 200 pound (90.9kg) woman. I mean, I am included in that… And that’s part of where the dysmorphia comes from. When I look in the mirror I don’t see a fat person, but I do see my fat storage. The layer under the skin hiding the lines I used to love... The parts that jiggle … that’s where I focus. I have to stop doing that!!

I am putting significant effort toward tracking my intake and balancing it with my energy output. My program is designed to get me as physically prepared as possible for the big weights at nationals but more importantly to get me confident. The work I’m doing with my FM will keep moving me toward a balanced body and hopefully keep this weight coming off slowly and steadily. I have no idea what the next 12 weeks will bring, but I’m ready to do the f’king work. 

Here I am: strong, sexy, smart, capable, confident... a heavyweight 💪🏼

Six Weeks

I started Bio-identical Hormone Replacement Therapy 6 weeks ago. The doctor told me it would take about 2 weeks for me to start "feeling" the hormones starting to work and 3 weeks until they were at full potency.

Traveling to Norway was just about when the doctor said I’d likely start to feel things. Traveling there, my flight left Chicago at 9:30pm Monday and landed in London around 11am Tuesday... after a layover, I arrived in Norway around 6:30p. I slept the whole time on the long flight and felt good when I got to Norway. Aside from the sun never going down, I went to bed at 10:30pm... I woke up at 6:15 without an alarm. I was just up... and I felt rested!

I cannot tell you how strange that was for me... for the next few days, I was totally on a perfect clock-- fell asleep before 11 and woke up around 6:30. Awake. Refreshed. Ready to get out of bed... did you read that? I wanted to get out of bed! I don’t know if I’ve ever woken up and felt good--not overwhelmed with dread or feeling like I didn’t sleep at all. I’ve tried many different apps to monitor my sleep cycles and they all told me I suck at sleeping 🤷🏻‍♀️ ...but now, I sleep! And not only that, but waking up and feeling "normal." I cannot tell y’all how jealous I am if this is how everyone typically feels when they wake up!!

In addition to sleeping better and waking up naturally, I started to feel better in general. Maybe it’s just because I’m actually getting restful sleep, but I’m certain the hormones are alleviating a significant amount of my depressive symptoms.

So this almost euphoric change lasted a few weeks, but then my not sleeping returned… My anxiety has been elevated and I even had a significant depressive episode less than a week ago. One that was so bad, in fact, that I found myself sitting at a train station watching the express trains go by…ready to take that step forward as each approached... I called or texted 10 people and nobody was answering. I really felt like I was completely alone in the world... Yeah I know that’s a pretty melodramatic, but there’s something about sending a text that says "HEY! I am not ok. Please call. I just need to talk to somebody." and having 10 people either not reply or tell you they’re busy that feels like salt in a fresh cut.

But I’m here. I returned home to Sugar. Grit.

 Monday I went in for blood test to see where all my levels were and I got those results back today. My cortisol levels are down which is great news… It is still elevated, but not insanely high like it was before which is why all of my hormones were so depleted. My testosterone level is now where it should be, but my progesterone is still low. We also noticed that my thyroid levels are down… Which made sense to me since my weight-loss has sort of paused. We looked at the results from my NutraEval and saw a significant lack of B vitamins... Which then explains the depleted thyroid. Low B3 & B6 also result in depression and irritability. So now we will be working to boost my vitamin levels and other micro nutrients through gut health… I will be supplementing as well as trying to up my intake of vitamin rich foods. In addition to this, I am taking a probiotic and digestive enzyme to improve cut health-- something often overlooked: low vitamin levels could be because bad bacteria inside of me aren’t letting my body absorb the nutrients I am feeding it. In another month, we will test my blood and saliva again...if the numbers still seem off, a fecal exam will give us a clearer picture of what exactly is happening inside my gut!

So, the journey toward finding balance and health continues... stay tuned!