Identity Crisis

My favorite way to get to know somebody is to ask them what they’re passionate are about. What do you love?

Over the years, I’ve been fortunate enough to discover many activities that make me feel a way in which words cannot describe. Free? Empowered? Fulfilled? Accomplished? None of them adequately describe how light and full my heart feels when I carve a fresh line through powder 🏂 ,or hike out on a perfect beam reach ⛵️, or carry 2-3x my body weight... that’s what I love--THAT feeling.

When I moved to Chicago in October 2012, I knew I’d never have another 100 day season ❄️... I knew I’d likely only ever snowboard, sail, or surf when I could afford to travel back West. In April 2013, I was introduced to the iron. I started bodybuilding and fell in love with how I learned to love my body and all it was capable of. Fast forward to March 2017, I found Strongman. I trained for 5 weeks, rested for one and competed in my first show May 6, 2017 (Platinum Plus - Chicago Fit Expo) and placed 2nd. I was in love again... feeling like every week I was learning something else that my body could do that I didn’t know it could before! I can lift that? And that? And THAT?! What a feeling!

When I got hurt right before the Arnold, my world started to feel very different. I tried to spend time doing other things I love (singing, dancing, writing and making art), but none of them gave me the same sense of a full heart like training has over the past few years... so now what? Who am I? How can I feel like myself when the me I know can’t come out to play?

...tbc...

Slowing Down

These days, life seems so focused on speed. Seeking instant gratification... we want food delivered within the hour, movies downloaded in seconds, weight loss in days, money and success overnight... but lately I’ve found out how much MORE I get when I slow down.
I don’t care how many followers I have or how many likes a post gets, that’s not the kind of abundance I seek.
By last fall, my business had diminished so significantly that I had to move into a friend’s condo to keep my head above water... if it hadn’t been for her generosity, I’m not sure what I’d have done. I spent months pushing and grinding and brainstorming how to grow a business from nothing. I contemplated another cross-country move, but realized that would cost me more than staying put. There were so many nights that I lost sleep scared of what I was going to do... applying for jobs that felt beneath me &not getting calls for interviews... exploring other career options...
One night, completely overwhelmed, I vented and poured out my fears to Eli. I didn’t expect him to say anything back--I wasn’t asking for advice nor a bandaid... but he told me to SLOW DOWN. Not only because I was talking a mile a minute, but because my thoughts were moving so fast that I was literally 10 paces ahead of myself. I had to focus on now. I had to focus on me. What can I do RIGHT NOW to make today better than yesterday?
It’s so damn easy to get caught up in the mile-long list of things to do that you just end up doing nothing because you don’t know where to start... but I know where to start: here, with myself.
Filling out my calendar... put everything in there-- including my own workouts, self-care and when I need to go home to take care of the dogs.
Becoming more efficient with my time helps me feel like I know when I can get things done. Every day I make a list of 5 things I have to do-- they can be as simple as texting somebody, cleaning a room of the house, writing, working out... only after certain amount of time, once things like my training, dog walks & meditation become routine, I won’t have to put those on my daily task list anymore... but until then, I have to remind myself.
My business is growing-- slowly, but surely. I’m working 3x as much as I was at the beginning of the year... it’s going to take quite some time for me to catch up and pull myself out of the debt my accident put me in, but I know I’ll get there. One day at a time.
Slow down. Be kind to yourself. Focus on maximizing the now. Live out loud!

Fear

They say that fear is most frequently the underlying emotion when it comes to anger, anxiety and depression. Fear can hold us back from not only accomplishing our goals, but even attempting to reach them. This year, I re-learned this lesson first hand (pun intended).

I was training my butt off for the Arnold. Terry worked me for 12 weeks and we saw massive improvements in my performance. My pressing events had become a strength where they used to be a weakness. My log press had gone up 40lbs from the previous year! I was faster and more efficient than ever in every event. I frequently doubted myself in training, but my husband would cheer my on and Terry would send messages to boost my confidence--as if he knew my strengths better than me.
During my final workout before resting for contest, I was instructed to run through contest weights for the press medley. The week before, when I C&J 225 on a power bar, it tore up my neck... the area was still tender as the scabs healed, so I was timid to get under the bar... and just like that, fear literally crippled me. I broke my right wrist and couldn’t compete.
The emotional pain of missing out on such a huge goal of mine has been difficult to get over. I had a whole community of people who believed in me enough to financially support my trip to Ohio and because of one split second of fear, I let them all down.
If I wasn’t already in a dark place, a lapse in my insurance coverage meant I was 3K in the hole after the ER & Orthopedic 🤦🏻‍♀️
So what now? How do you deal with such a blow to your identity?
What I mean is that being without use of my dominant hand for weeks/months means I can’t train-- at least not the way I’m used to (aka the way I want)... the first few weeks were quite a struggle to get myself moving. Luckily my husband, Eli, pushed me to take care of myself. Self-care. Remember how important that was during other hard times? How the heck is it so easy to forget that?! So I asked Eli to help me write workouts and I hit up some of my homies from Team Some Assembly Required who are Single Arm Athletes (SAA) for ideas. Now, I haven’t figured it all out yet, but I’m doing more work than I was for the first couple weeks and I definitely feel better about myself.
Eli also reminded me to look inside and focus on the other parts of what make me ME... I have also been bummed that this is the 2nd snowboard season in a row that I got ZERO days in snow... so what else do I love? What brings me joy?
Music. Dance. Art. Writing... shit, yes. I need to write and create! I need to get what I’m feeling OUT! ...so that’s what I’m trying to dedicate time to doing. Every day, I will: write, dance, sing/play, paint... one of those for at least 20 minutes. I will workout 5x a week doing modified strength training or SAA scaled WODs.
I may have been crippled by fear... but that’s past-tense on purpose. I have work to do and this is just another one of life’s hurdles. Lesson learned. Time to keep learning and moving forward.

Strong As F*ck

Obviously competing in strongman requires quite a bit of strength. As bittersweet as it may be, I have come to find that most of the very strong people I know have come from a whole lot of pain. Some may say that it takes a certain level of crazy to put yourself through the type of training required to complete in a strength sport. I laugh at this, well maybe it’s more of a nervous giggle, but I do think it takes a special something to be able to do the things required to push the body to any physical extremes.

The term "inner strength" has so much cliché attached to it that I really avoid trying to reference it. Lately I’ve had to focus on mine via self-care. Step 1, write more.

After winning my subclass at Nationals this year, Eli proposed. Of course I said yes... I was on cloud 9. I didn’t think it was possible to have a happier weekend! I’d been single for so long that I had convinced myself nobody would ever want to marry me. His love changed so much for me; unfortunately, as I’ve blogged about previously, post-competition blues got the better of me and I went into a very dark place. In my darkness, I became extremely negative... my negativity was received with anger and a few weeks later, the relationship is over... it feels like the world has been ripped from under my feet. 

I won’t go into the other details of betrayal and heartache, but I will share what I’m focusing on now: I’m so grateful for the opportunity to learn life lessons. I’m thankful for the reminder than I am loveable and that I have a whole lot of love to give. I’m proud of myself for speaking up and always telling the truth. I’m reminded to always trust my gut & will continue to work on impulsivity--taking time to respond to things instead of reacting when emotionally charged. I am confident that I will come out of this pain even stronger.

The #igetoutalive challenge came with perfect timing and I jumped on board. I’ve been focused on self care via journaling, meditation, dancing, playing with my dog, treating my body right and LOVING MYSELF 💜 No matter what you’re going through, stay STRONG AS F*CK!

Nats. No Worlds

The past few weeks have been all about making big decisions… Due to my health, I have made the decision to not pursue a spot at worlds this year. After six weeks on antibiotics, I was left feeling incredibly weak and drained. I went back to the hormone doctor for a blood test and all of my levels were incredibly low again. It seems that while I was sick my body tore through these slow releasing hormones at a much faster than normal rate. That being said, we implanted my second round of pellets last Friday. As I mentioned after my first insertion, the pellets take about two weeks to start working. I almost didn’t register for Nationals, but since it’s my only chance to get an invite to the Arnold I decided I have to do it! 

Training for Nationals has not been as great as I originally thought it was going... All this time with very little energy and body aches and pains has been not only physically exhausting, but emotionally too. But there’s no better way for me to really test myself then to go into this knowing what I’m physically capable of (and putting behind me how I think I feel) and BRING IT! 

After not being able to do a video entry for Worlds last year due to my dislocated middle finger, I really wanted to do it this year. I recorded all 3 events — 200/hand farmers, 185 log for 5 and a 410 deadlift (no suit)... Knowing all of those numbers were below what I could do if I were actually training to peak those events, but I knew the numbers would be “good enough” to get me qualified; however, when it came time to submit, I decided not to... why? I’ll tell you.

 1. My body needs some time. With the hormones and having been so sick, I just need to focus on my overall health. I won’t stop training Strongman, but I’m going to spend a few months getting my weight back under control and feel like my endurance is back where I’d like it to be.
2. I am broke. I already had to turn down Stones of Strength because I can’t afford to fly to CA (2 weeks before I take time off for Nationals) so another trip to NC is not in the budget. I’m trying to move within the next few months... big move, news in that soon, but I can’t waste money on extra domestic travel and days away from clients (when I’m not working, I’m not making money... and if I’m not making money, how can I pay my health insurance and other bills).
3. I want to compete at the Arnold, but if I wreck myself before then, I won’t do as well as I know I can do.
4. Related to 2, December means holidays and I like to travel to see my family (as none of them live in Chicago), so I can’t take more time in December off if I want to see my family for Christmas! 

I will continue to train and plan for comps in 2019, but right now I just cannot afford (financially, time wise, nor physically) to compete at Worlds.